Keeping Me In Sight

In the early days of my relationship with my soldier husband, I marveled that I had found someone who valued and respected my need to be independent. Quickly, we established a comfortable rhythm that balanced time spent together and separate. Friends frequently commented on how refreshing it was that we didn’t spend ALL of our time in each other’s company.

11 years, a wedding, 3 deployments, a son and 7 moves later, I get it.

Now, I know that his comfort with my independence was grounded in his belief that it would make the strains of military life easier. And in all the ways that count, he was right.

When our dating turned more serious and talk of the future began to creep in, I made it clear that I had a few non-negotiables. Primary among them was that my lifestyle would always have room for horses and riding because, much to my parents’ confusion, I have never outgrown the “horse crazy little girl” stage. Where I went, so did my horses. That meant that one of us would have to drive a truck (to pull the horse trailer) and room in the budget would have to be made. But it was a non-negotiable, almost a need. And, it turns out, I was right.

Between August 2013 and December 2014, my husband was home for a matter of weeks between TDYs, field exercises and a deployment. Less than 6 weeks after our latest PCS to Ft Hood, he packed his bags and we dropped him off at the airport for 4 month TDY while our son and I figured out a new chapter here in Texas. Like at our previous duty stations, for me this meant finding a boarding facility for my horse, a trainer to work with, horse shows to attend, a veterinarian and all the other realities of horse ownership.

The barn is a refuge, a constant. Where ever in the world we land, the barn stays the same in the details – the smells, the barn chores, the sounds. Riding also means a built in circle of friends with a common interest. When I need a mental health day, some time to remind myself of all that I am thankful for, I can head to the barn. I get some fresh air, get out side, usually have some casual social time and the world feels a little brighter.

The truth is that my now-husband’s confidence in my independence was misplaced. I miss him horribly when the Army calls. I am terrified of the cars needing anything done (and thanks to Murphy’s Law – they always do). I don’t sleep as well when he is gone and I jump at every noise during the night. But having my riding – that something that is just for me – reminds me of the strongest, the best, parts of myself. On days that I am drowning in acronyms, needs of the Army, and life at the mercy of the DoD, the barn is a place where I can concentrate on my goals.

I’ve learned over the years that the military spouses I most look up to are not those who throw the best parties or always seem to have it completely together. It’s the spouses who have created a space within military life where they can thrive. It looks a little different for each person – but the common thread is an excitement, a passion, a satisfaction earned. So while maintaining my riding over the years has required forgoing other things, the investment in myself has been more than worth it. It has paid itself back in self esteem, friends, me time, goals achieved and an all around better wife and mother.